Last Post and Good Bye
By Andy Heath
According to my statistics, this is my 194th post to Preston Book. I began writing this blog on May 9, 2009, and after nearly a year of posting a new article every 48 hours, I have decided that the blog is to be no more. I am even going to give up the domain prestonbook.com, so as of May 8, I will no longer own the domain, which means that these articles will no longer be available. I'm sure it will be no major disappointment, but still, it's a little sad to me. Regardless, I have been doing a lot of other things recently and have not really had time to spend on marketing the blog as I probably should have to get its readership up. So now I only have a few readers, two of which are my uncle and my cousin (and of course, I'm grateful for that). So I simply can't justify spending much more time on writing for so few people.
But I will certainly leave the site up until the domain no longer resolves to its host, and at that point, the blog will no longer be available. But I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you that have read this blog and kept up with it over the last year or so. It has been a pleasure to write, and even though I'm sure we haven't always seen eye to eye, I hope that we have established some common ground.
Again thanks to all of you!
Andy Heath
Why It's Cool to Have a Gay Son
By Andy Heath
I will never forget the first time I told my mother I was gay. I was 19-years-old and sitting at the kitchen table with her, and she was reading the newspaper. I remember that my heart was pounding because I knew I was going to tell her, and then I finally just blurted it out. "Mom, I think I might be gay." Those were my exact words, and I will never forget them.
I will also never forget that she didn't even look up from the newspaper to respond. She just said, "Why do you think you're gay?"
After that, we went through a difficult time for several years. I think she had her own demons to exorcise as I went through the process of being a gay man. I remember when I first started a serious relationship and how difficult that was for her. I also remember when I asked her to meet my new boyfriend, and that was a trying time for her, as well. But she survived.
It's been about twelve years since I told her, and she seems to be doing better with it these days. She even takes up for me with her friends and family that talk about how awful gay people are.
I remember when I was sitting at a table with my great-aunt, her cousin, who said that she was so disappointed in Walmart for having "sided with the gays." Later, my mom told her that I was gay and that she just wanted her to know how that had surely affected me. I was proud of her, I have to admit.
What I don't think she will ever realize though is that it can be "cool" to have a gay son. Oh granted, there are people that are "fine" with gay people – as long as they're not in their families. But having a gay son is something interesting to talk about. I'm sure a lot of people would think that my mother and I go shoe shopping together, but that is not the case. Regardless, it is something interesting to talk about.
I'm sure some people have passed judgment on her for having a gay son, blaming her for something that she must have surely done wrong in raising me. Maybe she babied me too much? Maybe she didn't give me enough attention? Who knows the thought processes of illogical people?
I guess I'm a bit biased in my beliefs about having gay children, but I just believe it can be a real plus. I feel like people will open up to my mother more because of the suffering that she has gone through. People will talk to her more about their troubles, and she will be there for them and listen to them and give them excellent advice.
You see, my mother, like every other mother I suppose, had dreams of bouncing grandchildren on her knees at some point. And that would probably have happened by now if I had been straight. I'm sure she had dreams of being able to say her son was a successful, happily married man with a great family and a cute house and a lovely wife. But that was just not to be. She has had to suffer more than most mothers because of that, because of her expectations of the way that life was going to be.
Regardless, it can be cool to have a gay son. It lets her share in the sorrows of the world and helps her relate to the suffering of others. I think it has also helped her to grow spiritually and, indeed, makes her a higher quality human being than some bigoted person that hates gays and would loathe her children if they were gay. Perhaps that's why it's such a good thing. Having a gay son builds strength and character and makes a mother a better mother and a better person.
Taxes Are the Perfect Protest for Gays
By Andy Heath
I remember studying sit-ins when I was in elementary school, and how Blacks used this method to pressure Whites to let them eat in restaurants with them. These courageous Blacks knew that by doing something that Whites hated, they would endanger themselves and their families, but they also knew that some things are more important than fear or safety. Many of these Black people were beaten and arrested and tortured because they chose to defy a government that discriminated against them. In the end, however, they won their battle and now they can eat in whatever restaurant they want. They can also vote and apply for jobs with equal consideration with Whites.
These rights for Black people did not come without a high price. Many of them were killed, tortured, and imprisoned for doing what we now know was the right thing. I sometimes wonder what would happen if gays did the same sort of courageous thing.
Legally married couples have many rights that gay couples do not, and one of those rights is the ability to file joint tax returns every year. If there were enough courageous gay people in this country that were willing to engage in a similar protest as the Blacks did so many years ago, those in relationships could simply file joint tax returns and refuse to change them.
Certainly there are those of us of that would be arrested. The government would cry out and say that we were trying to overthrow it. The Christians would not get over it for decades. But it would be a protest in which we could engage ourselves to demand our rights that the government denies us.
In the eyes of the government, we do not even have real relationships. They do not believe that a man can love a man like he can love a woman, or that a woman can love another woman like she can love a man. They think we are lying to them, that we want something that is not rightfully ours. We should claim that right for ourselves. The way to do that is to protest, as many groups that our government has marginalized over the years have done.
Four Reasons Gays Do Better in the City Than in the Country
By Andy Heath
Well duh, you're saying. "Of course gays and lesbians do better in the city than in the country because people in the city tend to be more liberal than their more rural counterparts." Yes, that's a good point, but let's look at some other elements that go into why gays do better in the city.
More Resources
It's true. There are simply more resources for gays in the city than there are in the country. I had the opportunity to listen to a gentleman a while back talk about his gay 16-year-old son and how much difficulty he had living in the small town that he did and going to school there. It broke my heart to know that teenagers can be so cruel, but I think this is something that I knew all along. Regardless, this is something that frequently happens in the country and not so much in the city.
There are two high schools here in Nashville, Tennessee, that are known for being highly accepting of gays. They are Hume Fogg High School and Nashville School for the Arts. The former caters to the highly cerebral students that need more of a challenge, and the latter caters to those students that are highly creative in the arts. I am glad that Nashville has such resources to help students that are gifted, but I am at least equally glad that students attending these schools have a better chance of being accepting of themselves and others for being gay.
In Nashville, we have an organization called Nashville PFLAG, Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. I used to be a very active member in this organization, and I still attend from time to time. The fact is that most of the rural communities in the surrounding areas do not have such an organization, and it is not unheard of for the organization's members to drive for hours to come to the meetings. Perhaps it's simply better for gays to live where there are resources for them.
More Gay Friendly Churches
For those of you that go to church (and I'm sure you know how I feel about that), you will find that there are more churches in urban areas that are accepting of gays and lesbians. If you are a frequent church goer, then living in the city can be the best thing for you to do. You will even find churches in Nashville where the minister is gay (at least one that I know of anyway, but I can't for the life of me think of the name of it. I have heard of others though).
More Gay People
Yes, because there are more resources for gays in urban areas, you will simply find more gays in such areas, and this is another good reason that gays do better in urban areas than in rural ones. It is simply easier to meet more gay people and others that we have in common with in urban areas. If you want to meet other non-closeted gay people, in fact, living in the city may be your only option.
Better for the Gay Soul
I once spoke to a man that had taught English in Korea for a year. I asked him if he enjoyed that experience, and he said living in Korea is not good for the Western soul because it is so vastly different from Western culture.
I don't know how true that is, and certainly if someone wants to teach English abroad, you might have a wonderful experience. Along those lines, if you are gay and live in the country, you might also have a wonderful experience. You might enjoy the peace and quiet and slower lifestyle that country life affords (think Green Acres!). But in my humble opinion, I simply do not believe that living in the country is good for the gay soul because there you have so much pressure to remain closeted. And remaining closeted is certainly not good for the gay soul.
Gays do better in the city where the pace is faster, people are more accepting, and there is an appreciation for culture and the arts.
It is for these reasons that I encourage gays and lesbians to live in the city if at all possible. It's just better for you, and you'll tend to live a better life.
My Greatest Riches – Part 3 of 3 – Finding My Great Love
By Andy Heath
As a gay man – and, indeed, as a human being – I have a terrible fear of intimacy. It seems that as much as my physical body and my spirit crave intimacy, my mind fights the idea as if it were a terrible disease. Still, I count finding my great love as the third of my greatest riches, if it ever happens.
This is the one great source of wealth that I am afraid I may never have. Finding and maintaining love is difficult. It can even be draining, and I have done it before. But it can also be wonderful. Still, I make no secret of the fact that I am not the single most physically attractive person you will ever meet, and often gay men base their desire to even be friends with another man on his physical appearance.
And I may never find my great love – assuming that such a person even exists. I may never find him because I do have a tendency to shy away from physical intimacy. I may never find him because I'm not that physically attractive. I may never find him because I can't find anyone to suit me. Regardless of whether or not I ever find my great love, or why or why not, I would consider such a great love a source of spiritual wealth.
I believe that finding one's true love is a great thing for gays and lesbians. In a world that has a propensity for rejecting us, it is a wonderful thing to have that one beacon in the darkness. Here's to wishing you all find your true love! It may not be like Sleeping Beauty, but it can still be wonderful.
Ten Pounds Makes a Difference
By Andy Heath
About a month ago, I probably weighed around 190 lbs. A year ago I weighed 200. But in the last month or so, I started jogging quite a bit. The first time I went out, I don't think I went a quarter of a mile before I was completely winded. Now, I can fairly easily and consistently go three miles and not be totally exhausted. (I'm sure my 17 year old cousin that runs 9 miles a day would find that laughable). Regardless, now I weight slightly less than 180 lbs.
So here is the difference I have noticed. People are nicer to me. Period. I don't understand why, but that just seems to be the case. People have been speaking to me. Last night when I went to a gay bar in Nashville, someone waved at me, and I actually turned around to see if there was someone behind me. There wasn't, and he told me he was just being nice.
I went to observe a boxing class with a friend of mine the other day, and a guy actually came up and started talking to me. It turns out he was gay as well.
I must tell you, I'm not some sort of Greek god or anything of the sort. But somehow losing a very small amount of weight has made a difference. After the first two weeks of jogging, my friends said they noticed I had lost a little weight. No one has said anything recently, but that's okay. I also feel a lot better after having done all this exercise, and I've gone from the point of dreading it to the point of looking forward to it and being disappointed when I can't go out for a jog.
I wish I had known a year ago that all I had to do was lose a little weight to be treated differently. And to think that I actually believed that people would treat me well because I'm a nice person!
My Greatest Riches – Part 2 of 3 – Working from Home
By Andy Heath
All my life – or at least the vast majority of it – I have desired nothing more than to work from home. The idea that I could get up whenever I wanted, stay up as late as I wanted, and drink coffee all hours of the day and night was appealing. I loved the idea of having my own schedule and answering to no one.
For two years, I lived this reality. I worked from home, but made very little money, and essentially racked up credit card bills that eventually overwhelmed me. It was only the windfalls from family giving me money that made that debt manageable, and even then I had to spend several years paying back debts for bad decisions that I had made.
Still, I don't think I would trade that time for anything. Perhaps I could have worked in the standard workforce and been promoted to a department director or some similar post only to realize that I was not happy.
And I am happy. I really am.
As I write this, I work a crappy job for an electric company. But that job largely allows me to work on projects such as this blog and simply answer the phone on the rare occasion that it rings.
As I said, it's a crappy job, and that does not change simply because it works. Just because your life works doesn't mean you're flying. It doesn't mean you've reached your potential. Still, sometimes the fact that our lives work is the stepping stone we need to make them work. I will say it again – my job is crappy. But it allows me time to work on the things that I love so I can make dreams a reality. Eventually I would like to work from home again, and this job makes that future reality possible.
Perhaps your greatest riches do not include working from home. Maybe you want to work 14 hours a day as a vice president in a die hard, for profit company. Maybe you want to work 10 hours a day as a poor attorney representing juveniles whose lives have gone astray. Regardless, your work must be one of your riches or your soul will begin to decay. It is important to begin working toward your career dreams at once to keep that from happening.
For me, working from home would be a great reward for hard work and a labor of love. For you, as I said, it will be something different. But just as your contribution to the world must be a great source of wealth to you – regardless if that contribution is associated with your "day job," your day job must also be a source of wealth to you.
I'm not trying to be some sort of motivational speaker, as that is not the purpose of this blog, but let me take a moment and beseech you to work on your career, whatever it is right now and however old you are. You might be surprised at the courage you can find within yourself to move forward on something that you love. You might be surprised at the short term pain you're able to live with in order to make your dreams a reality. You might even be surprised to find that the person you will be five years from now has a gift to give you now.
My family and friends have criticized me on more than one occasion for going after my dreams. My ex, who I still largely believe had no faith in me to make any kind of meaningful contribution to the world, firmly believed that life is a constant struggle and that work is simply something we must do whether we like it or not. I believe a labor of love is something we must do, whether we're poor for a while or not. Or even forever.
When you die, what are you going to be able to say about your life? Will you be proud of yourself, of your willingness to live a life that you wanted to live regardless of the criticism you received from others, regardless of the short term humiliation of being the poor one among your friends? Or will you say you lived your life for everyone except yourself, that you did what you felt others forced you to do because you were intimidated by society and its judgments of you?
I hope the former rather than the latter will be the case for you. I hope it will be for me too. Working from home will be one of my great riches whenever it happens – and it will. What will your great riches be? Will you allow yourself to have them? Will you allow yourself a life of peace and success and courage?
Please do. You'll be better off for it, even if you have to be poor for a while. Yes, even if your family has to be poor for a while.
My Greatest Riches – Part 1 of 3 – Humanitarianism
By Andy Heath
Would you believe me if I told you that my dream as a gay man is to be a humanitarian? Would you believe me if I told you that it is through my greatest vices that I want to make a difference in the world? And would you believe me if I told you that it is through humanitarian work that I, and perhaps many others, can attain my greatest riches?
It's true. For all my many flaws, I really do want to help people. It has been my dream for quite a while that I wanted to start a successful business not only to provide myself with a great income and do something that I love, but also to provide good jobs to good people so their struggles could diminish as well.
I have talked a little bit about the adult blogs that I have on the Internet, and I have told you that their success waxes and wanes depending on the month. Though if it ever becomes a possibility, I would like to hire employees to write and get traffic to a whole network of adult blogs. And the humanitarian effort there does not remain with giving people great jobs but also, as I have posted before, giving the blogs' readers a voice and a way to express their sexualities. It is a dream, but not only that, it is a vision of mine. This is the way I want to make the world a better place.
So I count humanitarianism as one of my greatest riches. It is even more important to me at this point than making a lot of money – though I think the greatest humanitarianism can be granted through financial support. It is my desire to help others find jobs, pay their rent, pay their electric bill, get the surgery they need. Perhaps right now I am not able to do this. Perhaps right now I literally don't have the funds to be able to cover others' expenses and healthcare costs. But the fact that humanitarianism is one of my greatest riches makes such dreams possible in the long term.
If you could make any contribution to the world, what would it be? Perhaps – or likely – your contribution would be different than mine. Maybe instead of paying people's bills for them, you'd like to pay for their educations. Maybe you'd like to stay with people as they're dying. Perhaps you'd like to help children achieve their goals in school. Maybe you want to go into politics and make a difference in the government. Whatever your contribution is, I would like you to consider that perhaps your contribution is one of your greatest riches.
And you will see in the last paragraph that I asked you what your greatest contribution would be if you could make any. I would like you to consider that you can make any contribution to the world you wish. You can be a great writer, composer, businessman, doctor or nurse, or attorney, or even a garbage disposal person and still make a great contribution.
So why don't you? If you're not living out your dreams now, think about what your greatest riches could be, and then act to make it a reality. All the hype you read about goal setting and how to make your dreams come true largely boils down to simply doing it. I know that may sound simplistic, but it is the truth. So what is your greatest contribution? What are your greatest riches? How are you going to make that a reality? While humanitarianism may be my greatest gift, yours is most likely something else. Make yourself proud and do something so that your greatest contribution is not just a fantasy, but a reality. Then you will achieve your greatest riches.
My Greatest Vices – Part 3 of 3 – Mental Masturbation
By Andy Heath
Okay, I'm not trying to be vulgar. Let me define mental masturbation. Mental masturbation is basically recreational daydreaming.
Have you ever recreated a previous conversation in your head, but had it play out exactly the way you wanted? Have you ever told someone off in your mind and had them stand there speechless because you had made just the right argument? Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have all those that you are jealous of all of the sudden be eating their hearts out because of you?
This is the concept of mental masturbation. And it's a great addiction of mine. The problem with this vice is that it is a terrible time waster and it can easily prevent us from moving forward in our lives. It fosters anger, resentment, jealousy, worry, and many other negative emotions that we have.
As a gay man, I have found that the discrimination that I have suffered over the years has been a source of frustration with regard to mental masturbation. It has negatively encouraged me to replay these instances in my mind again and again, and has fostered resentment in my life. Perhaps mental masturbation is a greater vice even than food or sexual gratification.
You might recall a post I put up a while back on a decision I had made not to suffer. I think that decision was perhaps one of the most profound I had ever made, and such a decision motivated me to stop the process of mental masturbation and its ruin of my spirit. The fact is that we don't have to allow others to cause us to suffer. We can decide not to do so. In fact, we can decide to stop the process of mental masturbation and begin the process of healing and moving forward in our lives.
I honestly hope you will join me in that endeavor. There is too much suffering in the world as it is. Let's do something to change that, starting with ourselves.
My Greatest Vices – Part 2 of 3 – Food
By Andy Heath
"Food, glorious food!" to quote Oliver Twist. Who of us does not love the taste and texture of a steak or chocolate sundae, ice cream or coffee with cream, Christmas cookies or Halloween candy?
Actually, such people do exist. Can you believe it?
I have a hard time believing it.
But it's true. There really are people that don't have the food addiction that I have. My biggest downfall is sweets, but I also love salty food and just fattening food in general. I can already tell that my health is starting to suffer for having such an unhealthy addiction, but then, I'm not sure what I can do. If I could afford therapy, I would probably get some. The fact is, that if we are to overcome our addictions, a lot of times, we must simply make a point to do so, and in some cases we need help. But there is no easy way, unfortunately.
So I continue to gain weight. And I hate it. I don't like gaining weight because I feel like people treat us differently when we are overweight. But even this morning, I stopped and got one of those Starbucks frappaccino drinks at the gas station that is full of calories. If only, if only, if only I could give them up. If only I had the wherewithal to exercise and eat good, wholesome, nourishing food.
And maybe I do. Maybe I just have not found that part of myself yet. Maybe it's not an addiction, but just a bad habit. I am meditating on it and trying to find a way to get rid of these desires for food, but it seems like it's just more difficult than that.
