Decision Not to Suffer
By Andy Heath
A few days ago I had been talking to someone that I met on the Internet. He was always a very pleasant person whenever we sent text messages or instant messages over the computer, but I found him volatile on the telephone. One evening a few nights ago he called, and against my better judgment I answered. During the course of our discussion, he suddenly engaged in a cold silence and then said, “Never contact me again.”
To this moment, I don’t know what I did wrong, if anything. The next day, I thought about this incident at length. I tried analyzing the situation, trying to figure out what I had done wrong. Was it something I said? Was it the way I said it?
Even after I realized that I had done nothing wrong and said nothing wrong, I still felt bad. It was like I was allowing his behavior – behavior I already knew was unreasonable – to affect the quality of my day.
Then I had an epiphany.
It came suddenly. I sat in my chair at work feeling miserable and being upset over the incident. And a thought entered my mind – “I’m tired of suffering. I think I’m not going to do it anymore.”
I blinked. I couldn’t believe I had said something like that. I couldn’t believe such a thought would enter my mind. Could I realize decide not to suffer if I chose not to?
I realized that so much of my suffering was of my own choice. By choosing not to suffer, I could stop. I closed my eyes and sat back in my chair and looked at that cold, hollow feeling in my chest that had made me so sick. I imagined it dissipating, melting away. It was not long before the feeling really did go away.
A few minutes later, it came back. And I closed my eyes again and the suffering vanished. It was remarkable that in one single moment, I had made a decision that could make such an impact on each moment I called on that ability – the ability to choose our feelings.
I can look at any circumstance in my life and pass judgment on it. I can say this or that is good. Such and such is bad. But I can also choose to withhold that judgment. That is not to say that in a truly unfortunate situation that I would not suffer. If I lost a close friend or family member to death, then certainly I would suffer. If I lost my job, I would also suffer for a while. But I finally realized that I do not have to allow the thoughts and judgments of others to affect my mood. Perhaps they will affect it at first, but then I can simply decide to take back control of my mind.
I have found that it is often my own laziness and lack of control that causes me to suffer. I am unwilling or I feel unable to simply say enough is enough. But I finally said no more. No more needless suffering. No more control or dominion over my life can go to others who are not as kind as I am. Or maybe they are as kind. Regardless, they do not have to control my thoughts and my feelings.
This has been a long lesson for me to learn. I had previously found it nearly impossible to do exactly what I just said I did in this blog post. But for some reason, I just think I was ready. I was ready not to suffer anymore. So I stopped.
Does this mean that this is a life long solution for me? Probably not. At times I think I will still needlessly suffer. But it’s not my entire life I have to control – it is, in fact, only the current moment I find myself in that I can decide not to suffer. The decision not to suffer has to be a constant one – or it can be an occasional one. But it is a choice I can make at any time. It is always an option.
I believe there is entirely too much suffering in this world already that is unnecessary. So there is no point in adding to the world’s burden by bringing about needless suffering. Let’s do two things.
First, let’s reduce the suffering we cause others. We can be kind in our words and understanding of others’ actions. We can do our best to give the kindness to others that they so often deny us, and for that matter that we so often deny them.
Second, let’s work to reduce our own suffering by viewing it with a critical eye. We don’t have to view it in a cerebral context, but a spiritual one. We don’t have to arrive at any conclusions. We can simply make the decision to accept what is and then change the things that we want to and can. We can make the decision not to suffer.
