Forgiving Those That Will Not Forgive Us
By Andy Heath
"You make a lot of bitter comments toward me and you're not joking. I don't think it's healthy for us to be friends."
Ouch. I received that text message yesterday morning from a new friend I had been talking to for a few weeks. Interestingly, I had told him previously that new friendships rarely ever survive the first argument. And with those words in a text message, a friendship was over. It was a simple as that.
And yes, he was right. He was right not only that I make bitter comments towards him, but that I make bitter comments towards many people. I have no one buy myself to blame for that; I can be cruel at times, without even realizing it. Yes, I am a flawed, imperfect individual. I have all the warts of an average human being, unextraordinary. I have a biting wit and a sense of cruelty that even I do not comprehend at times. I am who I am, and no matter what I do to change myself now, I cannot change the things I said to this friend or to anyone else.
I apologized. He accepted the apology in theory, though he was quite clear that he did not want to talk to me anymore. It's true; he did not forgive me. In this post, I'd like to explore the concept of forgiveness of those that will not forgive us.
Forviging the Angry People
Sometimes we're the wrongdoers, and we are still left with the heavy burden of forgiving the victims of our actions. We can say we're sorry, but it is up to the victim to decide if he accepts your apology. If he does, then your burden is to improve yourself so your interactions do not continue to hurt him. If he does not accept your apology, however, then it becomes your burden to forgive that person who has refused to forgive you.
Forgive him for what, you ask?
In this case, I must forgive him for walking away from what could have been a very successful and beautiful friendship. And I must forgive him for not giving me a second chance. In all his anger at me for my mean comments, he might be blinded to the fact that I too have suffered from the comments that I made because they were so hurtful to him. Perhaps it is his way of getting revenge on me by walking away (and he has a history of walking away that I just did not see before). Perhaps he feels that I will be at least equally hurt by his actions as he was by my comments.
Forgiving Oneself
Rejection is painful, perhaps one of the most painful experiences of our lives. I have been unfocused today largely because of the pain I have gone through. I know I was wrong. I know I made mistakes in my interactions with him. I have learned (hopefully) from those interactions, and I am now ready to be a better friend to others. I can watch what I say to others and be extra careful to be as compassionate in my words as I try to be in my actions.
But it still hurts.
And because it hurts, I must realize that even now, even among all the pain of this bitter rejection, I am still a good person. My self esteem has a tendency to falter when rejected, so it is a painful fight for me to keep it up. Yes, I still have some good to offer others, even after being rejected by this friend. And I will come out of it okay. I will maintain the other friendships I have and will make new ones in time.
Acknowledgment of Wrongs
I believe the most important aspect of an interaction of rejection is to realize our part in it. The simple fact is that I made comments to this friend that were wrong of me. I was hurtful to him. I caused him pain, and I should have been aware that what I was saying was cruel. I hope this does not come across as a self righteous post, because it is not intended to be. I know that I deserved the rejection. I deserved it. He was within his right to tell me he did not want to talk to me anymore. That's a bitter and painful pill to swallow. I wish I had been kinder. I wish he and I were still friends. I wish, I wish, but all the wishing in the world cannot take away the wrongs that I committed. Now I must suffer the consequences of those wrongs and must acknowledge that my ignorance and my unwillingness to monitor and fetter my speech caused the end of what was turning out to be a very pleasant and powerful friendship. I must accept responsibility for that, and I do.
I hope that eventually I will find it in my own heart to forgive this person that has chosen not to forgive me. It is a painful, and perhaps a long, process. But healing will begin the moment I let it. For now, I think all I can do is hurt.
