Gay Men Are Mean to Each Other
By Andy Heath
Why? It makes me want to be all melodramatic and throw myself on the bed and cry for three days. Why are gay men so terribly mean to each other? Why?
Not convinced? Have you ever been stood up on a date? Have you ever stood anyone up on a date? Have you ever been told your behavior is too effeminate? Have you ever felt, in your own heart, disdain for men that acted "gay?" Have you ever found yourself engaged in telling gay jokes with others, regardless of those people being gay themselves or knowing that you're gay? These are all examples of self-loathing.
When we hate ourselves for being gay, it is only logical - somewhat - that we will mistreat others. We must face that fact that all our lives our families and friends have told us that homosexuality is wrong and have encouraged us to look down on gays - especially gay men. If we mistreat other gay men, however, and if they mistreat us, then we will find ourselves in a downward spiral that leads us to such bitterness that we will never obtain the respect we so crave from the straight community.
I encourage gay men all the time to treat each other with respect. Be kind. Be courteous. Be civil. Keep your appointments. Show up on time for your dates. Suspend text messaging during your dinners with each other. Don't take cell phone calls when you're on dates. Be absolutely, flawlessly polite. Esteem him and let him esteem you. This is the only way that our situation in this country will continue to improve. How can we expect straight people to be kind to us if we are not even kind to each other?
"But everyone is so mean to me!" you say. "These guys online aren't worth the spit in my mouth. All they want is sex. They don't care about me!" So care about them. Care about them so you can care about yourself. If you are greater than the people online, then accept that fact gracefully. There are plenty of shallow gay men out there that obsess incessantly over their clothes, their careers, and their sexual conquests. Make sure that you're not one of those gay men. Yes, I agree that such people give us all a bad name, but you don't have to be like that! So don't be. Treat the "losers" - for lack of a better word - with kindness. Let their character be inferior to yours and treat them with kindness and respect anyway.
That is not to say you have to pander to them. Yes, in the gay community we are quite guilty of youth worship and beauty worship. We can give people the respect they deserve as human beings without gushing, but also without disdain. It's a delicate balancing act, and it can be confusing at times, but it's worth the effort. If you respect others, they will come to respect themselves - and then each other. It's a wonderful way to "pay it forward" like the movie that came out several years ago. Ghandi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." Yes, we can take responsibility for changing things one step and one person at a time. Let's do that. Will you make that covenant with me?
