Indifference Is the Opposite of Love
By Andy Heath
I am still licking my wounds from the blow I received the other day when a new friend of mine told me he no longer wanted to talk to me. I was so shocked by that because we have never exchanged an unpleasant word until then. Now, it left me questioning the quality of the friendship to begin with. I try to associate with those that are kind to others, although I'm sure many people think I'm not very kind a lot of the time. I believe how we treat others is a clear reflection of who we are as people, and even with my many mistakes, I hope that I live up to treating most people with kindness, compassion, dignity, and respect most of the time.
In reviewing this friend's blog, it does not seem like he gave his upsetting me a moment's thought. There was a picture of him laughing with friends at the bar, and I was just a passing moment in his life, someone that he could kick and leave wounded and then go on partying like nothing had ever happened.
Indifference Is the Opposite of Love, Not Hate
In Elie Wiesel's book Night, a tale of a boy that lived in Nazi concentration camps, the author stated that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. If we consider people so insignificant that we are unconcerned whether or not we hurt them, I believe it is worse than all the hatred in the world. If people hate us, at least they care about us. For others not to care about us is far more painful than their hatred.
When this friend dealt me the blow that I was not expecting under any circumstances, what he portrayed to me was that I did not, nor had I ever, mattered to him. My feelings did not matter to him. My friendship did not matter to him. I did not matter to him. When I realized how utterly uncared for I was, how insignificant I was in his eyes, I also realized that his hatred would have been preferable. He was quite willing to simply wound me and then go to the bar with his friends and have pictures made as if I did not exist and my thoughts and feelings did not matter. Maybe he was unaware of how badly he wounded me or how deeply hurt I was by his words and actions, but I don't think that is a valid excuse for cruelty. I am not entirely sure why this event has affected me so, but the fact is it really has affected me. But I think what affected me worse than his words and actions was his indifference toward hurting me. He just didn't care. So I lie awake at night wondering what I did to offend him so badly that he would not even discuss my offense before ending our friendship while he goes out to bars and drinks merrily with his friends. Perhaps that speaks volumes about his character as a person, or at least this aspect of his character as a person. I know he has many good qualities, but perhaps compassion is not one of them.
Lessons Learned
But there is a great deal to learn from this experience. I think I will hurt for some time because of it, but perhaps there is some good that can come of it as well. I can learn to be even kinder to others than I try to be now. I can learn to forgive others for intense character flaws because I have many myself. Finally, I can really care about others and their feelings. Perhaps I have hurt others without even realizing it just as he hurt me. Now I am more aware of how I come across to others.
I think one person that I really need to apologize to is my mother. She is an amazing person that has done so much for my brother and me, and in my teenage years, I did not even realize it or appreciate it. I'm sure sometimes I treated her with cold indifference because I knew on a deep emotional level that this kind of indifference is the cruelest punishment we can inflict on others. Perhaps I used my indifference as a way to manipulate those around me that really loved me rather than simply returning their love and allowing joy to flow between us. If anything good is to come out of this painful experience, it might be that I am now aware that I must give love freely to those that give it to me. I must care about them and their feelings. I must be happy for their successes and mourn their losses. Maybe this harsh experience can strengthen my character, and perhaps I can come away from it a better person than I was going into it.
In the meantime, I fight to keep my self esteem. I fight to realize that I am still a good, valuable person that deserves to be love, and yes, deserved to be treated better than I was. I also realize that life is not fair and people are not always fair. Still, I hope I am a better person because of all this maddening pain.
