My Greatest Vices – Part 1 of 3 – Sexual Gratification
By Andy Heath
Perhaps against my better judgment, I have decided to bare my soul and talk about some of the things that are least pleasant in my life. You saw a bit of that in my last post, but I have decided to take it a step further and put my rawest imperfections on the line. I'm sure there are those that will judge me for this, but the only response I can give to others' judgment is to withhold my judgment of them.
To my friends, it is no secret that I enjoy looking at an attractive man. I have had my share of porn site subscriptions over the years, and this desire for sexual gratification, if I am truly being honest, has not led me to any greater happiness. In fact, it has probably done the opposite.
But I can go out in public, especially in the summer when everyone wears less clothing, and I have a tendency to turn human beings into nothing more than objects. I look at an attractive man, and my lust burns for him – I might say to my friends, "He's so beautiful!" But where does that leave me? It leaves me with an unfulfilled sexual need – if you can even call it a need.
I say it's not a need, but somehow we live without it. Which one of us, if anyone, gets the opportunity to have sex with every single person we're attracted to, regardless of our own physical beauty? My guess is none of us is able to do that.
So the question becomes – What can we take from a sexual vice? What can we learn from it? I have heard some experts in the field of metaphysics say that if we die with an addiction or a vice in our lives, that we are bound to the earth and prevented from progressing in our spiritual development until we let it go. I have admit that such a threat makes me nervous, but what can you really do about a sexual vice? Sex is a part of human nature. I suppose we can attend a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting, but even then, does that really make a difference in our lives? I'm not convinced that a life without sex with be any better than a life with too much.
Still, a sexual vice is painful. It makes you keenly aware of what you don't have and what you don't have access to. It makes me keenly aware that I'm getting older and that my physical beauty is slowly but surely fading. As we age, we all go through the process of less and less people wanting to engage in sexual activities with us. Let's face it – we can't be 23-years-old forever.
A sexual vice is definitely painful. I'm not sure the best way to cope with such a vice, especially considering that I have done a lot of work in the adult industry myself. But such vices let us know what we truly are – human beings. And they make us aware, if we're willing to be aware, that the spirit world unconditionally accepts us for who we are, warts and all.
How I Let Go of the Suicide of My Friend
By Andy Heath
Back in late August 2009, one of my best friends committed suicide. I have told a number of people that this experience was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through in my life. I don't know if it was so hard because of the nature of suicide or if it was simply the fact that I had lost a good friend or even if it was just traumatic that another friend and I found his body decomposing. Regardless, the days after that were hell, and I'm not being melodramatic in saying that.
The situation was so hard, that I actually have not had an inclination to write very much about it. This ordeal was so personal and so difficult, I'm not even sure it's fair to subject you to it, but the simple fact of the matter is that suicide does occur and it leaves the survivors in a state of devastation for a long time. Incidentally, if you have had a similar situation in your life that you have struggled with or continue to struggle with, please read this article on coping with a loved one's suicide.
During the days the followed Mike's suicide, I think all of his friends and family felt such shock that I could not even completely describe it as pain. The pain came later, and I spent several days crying before I felt I was no longer a total mess.
The thing about Mike that I will probably miss the most is his sense of humor. He introduced me to things such as Montey Python and Family Guy and Futurama, and he had even told me some of the funniest things I had ever heard that left me laughing off and on for two days. Needless to say, he was funny. I was perpetually charmed by him. I honestly can't imagine that someone so interesting and funny failed to see that in himself, but I suppose that the ugly side of depression makes such blindness possible. And it's a shame, a tragedy. The world has lost a great comedian that never had the courage or the wherewithal – but definitely had the talent – to truly touch the world.
One of the things that bothered Mike the most was his weight. He was depressed, so he was never motivated to do any exercise or eat good food in healthy portions. And yes, he was a big guy, but I don't think that kept those closest to him from caring deeply about him. I never judged him for being bigger, and I'm not little myself, but truthfully when he died the last thing on anyone's mind was his weight. All we knew was that we had lost a friend, a son, an ex boyfriend, a grandson, and a loved one.
So how did I let go of his suicide? It's a bit complicated, but strangely it was my religious beliefs that helped me learn to cope. I believe that when we die, we have a time to reflect on what we have done and how we lived our lives. I believe we are put into contact with the spiritual beings and the loved ones that have gone before us that we need to talk to in order to try to improve our spirits. At first, I thought surely Mike would have a great deal of karmic debt to pay for killing himself, but I then realized that I really don't know what went through his mind when he pulled the trigger. It is not my place to judge others, and there are plenty of people that will do that anyway. Additionally, it is possible that Mike gave those he left behind a tremendous gift of spiritual growth in dealing with such a hard situation. The pain and suffering we went through, while definitely hellish, must surely have strengthened our spirits and our relationships with each other to the point that we took something away from his suicide that we otherwise would not have had. Now don't get me wrong – I would take Mike back in a heartbeat and give up whatever spiritual growth I gained from this, but that is perhaps my own selfishness speaking because we might all be better off with our spiritual growth than a life of nothing more than pleasant things.
Mike was a great friend and a good person. I hate that he died, and I especially hate that he died by his own hand. But all I can do at this point is take away from it what I can and try to be a better person because of it. I'm not sure how easy that will be, but it has been said that time heals all wounds. I hope it heals this one too – for all of us that were affected by his death.
Working in the Adult Industry – Part 5 of 5 – Putting It All Together
By Andy Heath
Yes, I have said that I enjoyed working in the adult industry because of the opportunity to express myself in a creative light. I have talked about my desire to be a rebel, to get back at the world, if you will. But working in the adult industry, or any industry for that matter, loses its appeal if the worker is unable to make any decent money at it.
So how exactly does someone make money in the adult industry?
There are several different business models that people use to make money in the adult industry. Some people take their own pictures and make their own videos and then sell a subscription. Others make and sell adult "toys". In my case, I have found the most satisfying model is to allow others to make the content and then I actually go about trying to sell it. So I have worked in a marketing capacity.
I have to admit that for several years it was a dream of mine to work in the adult industry and be successful at it. As I have said, part of my reasoning for that is because I am a rebel and enjoy the shock value of telling people what I do for a living.
I have found, however, that at least in my case making money has come very hard. I don't know if it's the economy that is really only now starting to improve or if I am just bad at the work that I do or if I am doing it incorrectly. Though really working in the adult industry is still a dream of mine, and I hope that eventually I will be successful at it. The allure is still very great to me.
Working in the Adult Industry – Part 4 of 5 – Creative Juices
By Andy Heath
I have done a lot of writing in my life. In fact, you would probably agree just by keeping up with this blog that I am arguably a rather prolific writer. Even as a teenager I had a tendency to keep a journal fairly regularly, and as an adult, I really started writing a lot. A good bit of my writing was by hand, and I still have a stack of journals that I have kept over the years that someone will probably have to either read or burn after I die.
That said, you know that I really like to write. I also mentioned in a previous post that I had a therapist that once encouraged me to write erotic fiction, and I have several hundred pages that I have written over the years, the first of which I wrote at the age of 19. So I really like working in the adult industry because of the creativity it affords me. I liked writing erotic fiction in the past, and even now I have a few adult blogs that I write for frequently.
The question I have consistently received over the years is – Why would you waste your talent on such garbage as erotica? The fact is I really don't consider erotica garbage. It's beautiful literature that stirs the mind and passes the cerebral cortex to touch readers at a deeper, more instinctive level. I suppose if I were to really answer that question, I would have to say that the feedback that I have gotten on my erotic fiction has been far more positive than on anything else I have written.
There was a time in the late 90's that I posted my stories to a popular message board, and I frequently got e-mails from fans that kept up with my work. While I also occasionally got a scathing criticism, for the most part it was positive. For that reason, I wrote more erotic fiction. I think we, as human beings, like to received positive feedback on our work, and I simply was not getting that kind of feedback on the mainstream work that I was doing.
So working in the adult industry has given me the ability to be creative. At this point, I am able to create small web sites designed to introduce surfers to my sponsors' sites and then send those surfers to a blog that they will hopefully like and continue to visit.
You can see that creativity is a strong motivator in my life, and I would say that is true of many people. In the final segment of this series, which will appear in two days, I will talk about putting it all together and how people have historically made money, if any, in the adult industry.
Working in the Adult Industry – Part 3 of 5 – Giving People a Voice
By Andy Heath
In this third segment of five on the work I have done in the adult industry, I will discuss one of the main benefits I have obtained from my work, and that is giving people a voice. I have touched on this subject before, but at this time, I think it's important to devote an entire post to it.
My work in the adult industry has not entirely focused on the gay community – in fact, most of it has focused on the straight community. I have also not done as much work in the "popular" niches as I have in the rarer ones. Popular porn niches include things like amateurs and women that are 18-22 years old. The rarer niches include such fetishes as balloons, body parts, bizarre clothing, and bondage, among other things.
And you ask why I would choose to do work in these bizarre fetishes? The best answer I can give you is because I want to give people a voice.
First of all, let me explain what it means to have a voice, in my view. Having a voice means having the means to express oneself on a number of different levels. If you're not able to express yourself sexually, then you can say you don't have the voice that you should. Since sexual expression is critical to health and happiness of human beings – to all animals in general – then I have found it satisfying to help people find that voice by giving them the opportunities to express themselves sexually.
When it comes to the "popular" niches, finding a voice is easy. If you like a beautiful woman, it is easy enough to find one with whom you can engage in sexual play. However, if your sexual interests include balloons or bondage, it may be more difficult to find willing partners. In that sense, porn is no longer something to be shunned – it is, in fact, a beacon, a salvation for those that cannot express their consensual sexual desires with adults in any other way.
So I like to introduce men to web sites that they will find interesting. It's only partly about the money when it comes to giving people a voice. Certainly, I am happy to be paid commissions when I'm able to sell a web site subscription. But more than that, I am happy that I was able to help someone find an outlet to his pent up sexual energy.
There has been a lot of talk over the years about the need for sexual transmutation, that is, the self-denial of sexual energy. The idea is that this sexual energy will transform itself into other kinds of creative energy that foster happiness, creativity, and personal growth. I have actually found that the opposite is true. While moderation in all vices is important, it is equally important to express one's sexual energy in healthy ways. When you are not able to engage another human being in sexual play due to having unpopular interests, then porn often becomes the only outlet for sexual expression one has.
So when people say, "How could you ever work in such a low class industry?" my response is that the assumption of the question that the adult industry is low class is simply not the case.
In the next segment, I will talk about creative juices and the satisfaction I have gained from writing erotic fiction in the past. You will see that post in two days' time.You will see that post in two days' time.
Working in the Adult Industry – Part 2 of 5 – History
By Andy Heath
This is the second part of a five part series on my work in the adult industry. In this segment, I will talk about the history of my work in the adult industry. Let's go back to the mid 90's when I was in college. I remember the first time I had the opportunity to look for porn. At that time, the library at the university I attended was not in tune to students looking for porn on the Internet. So, in order to give us the optimal "study" environment, they put computers in various secluded parts of the library facing some wall so no one could see what you were doing. I think since that time, they have gotten a bit smarter about the whole thing.
So I found some porn that I liked, but my favorite site to look at was a story site. This particular site, which is now archived on the Internet since the owner has since died, allowed amateur writers to submit their work and be published. I was so enthralled by the stories that I can't imagine that a new heroine addict enjoys his heroine any more than I enjoyed reading those stories. I was hooked and I visited the site as often as possible.
At that time, I was suffering from Clinical Depression, which I have had the vast majority of my life, and so I was seeing a therapist at the university. When I went to see her one time, I noted that I had found that story site and how much I really enjoyed it. She ended up mentioning in passing that at some point I might try writing that sort of erotic fiction. Her comment to me changed my life, as a few weeks later I remembered her noting that I might try writing something similar, and so I did. I wrote my first story, which as far as I know, still exists on the archive site.
I found that writing stories was even better than reading them. I was putting my own fantasies on paper and creating a record of them. I would tremble as I wrote them, and I am convinced that my sex addiction grew more intense because of it. I submitted my first story to the site under a pen name, and it was published a few days later. I did get a few e-mails from readers telling me how much I liked it.
A few years later, I had decided that I would write a 3,000 word story and publish it on the Internet. I had a website, and a mirror of that site still exists under the pen name that I used, containing most of the stories I have written over the years. I tried a brief stint of charging for access to the stories, and I honestly believe that could have been quite successful if I had not been so impetuous and wanted immediate results. I should have been patient, gradually built the base of people that subscribed, and then who knows, I might be retired right now, sitting around writing my stories on a weekly basis. But we live and learn, I suppose.
After my dismal failure as a paid erotic fiction writer, I noticed that there were some other sites that offered to let webmasters market for them, and then take a percentage of the sales those webmasters referred. I made my site free once again, and then I put up some simple ads. Nothing came of it. I was devastated. I could not believe that I had put so much of myself into this work to make essentially no money at it. This was especially true seeing that there were so many others that were making considerable amounts of money in the industry at that time.
So I gave up – for a time. Then one day, I walked to my mailbox and opened it up, and inside there was a check. I opened the check, and it was for $40. I stood at the mailbox for several minutes just laughing, not caring who heard. It was as if fate were testing me, taunting me, teaching me just how cruel it could be. All that effort, and apparently I had made some sales, enough to get $40 several months later.
But I pondered the money, and interestingly, six years later, that company still sends me a check every month. I realized that this was the concept of passive income, or income that you work for once, but get paid for many times over. So I decided to try again. And I tried and failed. And I tried and failed. And I tried and failed. And I tried and tried and tried and failed and failed and failed. But something in my spirit prevented me from giving up. I knew I had to make it successful. Even now, I try to make it successful, and even now I fail.
At this point, as you know, I like to write blog entries. I actually have some adult blogs that I use to make sales, and I do get occasional sales from them. I like the fact that there is often a check in the mail to me that I'm not expecting, and though I have not grown rich from it, I can honestly say the money is a nice supplement to my income. In fact, I'm not sure what I would do without it.
I update this blog every other day, but the adult blogs are updated daily. The posts are shorter, but I do have a bit of a following that will visit those sites, and I'm glad to have that traffic. In time, I hope that I can be successful marketing adult webistes and cam sites, as that is and has for some time been my dream. But until then, I struggle on.
In the next segment of this five part series, I will discuss another important reason that I enjoy working in the adult industry – giving people a voice.
Working in the Adult Industry – Part 1 of 5 – Reasoning
By Andy Heath
It's not a huge secret at this point that I have worked in the capacity of a marketing consultant in the adult industry for several years. In the next segment of this series, I will talk about the history of my work in this industry, but for now I want to talk about the reasons I went into the adult industry for work.
I remember when I finally told my mother that I worked in the adult industry, and she was very upset. She even refused to tell me she loved me for several weeks, and I think part of that was her Christian upbringing. She argued that even non-Christians often do not approve of porn, and I agree with that. Still, it was hard for her, and I think still is.
So why did I do it? There were several reasons. The first, of course, is that I felt I could make a lot of money working in this industry. I was wrong for a long time and even as I write this, I don't make a lot of money from it. But when I first started out, I felt there was a lot of money to be made, and that was one reason I wanted to try it.
The second reason, perhaps more important, was that the industry had an emotional allure to it. I felt that if I worked in the industry, it would hold a sort of appeal – maybe even some shock value – to those that I told. Whenever someone said, "So what do you do for a living?" I was able to say that I worked in the adult industry. I have to say that a lot of people were impressed.
The third and final reason I went into the adult industry was that I have been, and still am, a bit of a rebel. I know, you're not exactly shocked that I have disdain for the Christian church and that I have every desire imaginable to do anything I possible can to go against this establishment in any way possible. But I liked the idea that I had become the opposite of the thing that I hated so much – a pale faced, pompous, pious, pontificating priest. Well, maybe I am some of those things. But at least I tried.
There was one other reason that goes along with the rebellion. You can see my picture on this blog, so look closely at it for a moment. At that time, I was young and not unattractive. If you looked at me and talked to me, you might more likely think I was a doctor or a banker than a pornographer. I liked that fact that I looked so innocent and that I had a deep dark secret. Perhaps all of us like to be shrouded in mystery on some level, and I am certainly no different. I used to chuckle to myself that I would work a day job – whenever I had one – and go home at night to do the very thing that people would have never imagined I would do – not just look at porn, heaven forbid, but actually create the avenue in which porn makes money in the economy. It was incredible.
So for those of you that ever wondered why anyone would want to work in such a controversial industry, perhaps you have a little insight into it now. In my next segment, I will talk a bit about how it came about that I had the desire and skill to work in this industry and how I started out.
Being with Someone You Love at Their Time of Death
By Andy Heath
On January 17, 2005, my father died. He had had brain cancer for five and one half years, and his entire family knew that it was only a matter of time before he finally died. He had put up a good fight, as he had lasted that long when his doctors had originally given him six to nine months to live, but even at his death, I have to say I found myself rather unprepared.
The morning of the day he died, my mother called me and told me that he was not doing well. I got in my car and made the hour trip to Cookeville, Tennessee, where he was staying at Bethesda Nursing Home, and arrived around 11 A.M. I remember being there all day, sitting next to him on his bed, holding his hand. He was not able to talk, and I'm not even sure that he was aware of my presence, but my mother and I were both with him all day. That night around 7 o'clock, he finally took his last breath. Both my mother and I were with him at that time.
The nurses that were caring for him confirmed that he had died, and I remember what a powerful experience it was to be with him during the time of his death in this life and rebirth into the spirit world. I say it was powerful partly because it was such an honor to share that with him, but also because of the awesomeness of death itself and the veil of mystery that surrounds it.
I like to think that upon his death he was reunited with the family members that passed before him. I like to think that he was and is at peace now, whether or not he has returned to the world in another form.
After his death, I sat in the room with his body for a while, just staring at it. I remember being angry and shrouded in self pity for a while. I remember feeling that I still needed him and that it was not fair that he would leave me here so quickly. Perhaps that was selfish of me, and I know that at that time all I could really think about was myself. But regardless, his death was a powerful experience, one that I am very glad I was able to share with him, and one that I would not trade for anything.
New Set of Oracle Cards
By Andy Heath
I don't know if this is always the way it has been, but at this point in my life I feel a strong connection to animals. It really doesn't matter if the animal is cute and cuddly or if it crawls on the ground. It doesn't even matter if I particularly like the animal or not – I'm not very fond of snakes or cock roaches. Regardless, I feel this great connection to animals that gives me a sense of peace and perhaps even a sense of being a part of something far greater than myself.
In September 2009, really by chance, I was supposed to pick up a friend of mine at a friend's house he was staying with, but when I called him to get directions, I got a busy signal. Let me tell you, I have rarely heard a busy signal sense the early 90's, but that's beside the point. I decided to wait until he got off the phone, so I went by a local bookstore, my favorite one in Nashville, Tennessee, the Border's on West End Avenue.
And of course, I went upstairs to the metaphysical section and found the Oracle cards. I had been meaning to buy a new deck of Oracle cards and had been procrastinating for some time. For those of you that don't know what Oracle cards are, they are cards used for purposes of divination that allow the querent to gain insight into his or her life. It's a bit difficult to explain the concept of Oracle cards, though here is an excellent site that discusses them.
When I looked at the bookstore's selection of Oracle card decks, I was immediately drawn to one of the animal decks, one of the decks that draws on the wisdom of animals to gain one's insight. Oracle decks tend to draw their wisdom from various sources, including angels, fairies, ancient ancestors, goddesses, etc. But because of my connection to animals, I decided on the animal card deck.
When I got home, I found that I was procrastinating doing a reading. I still don't know exactly why I was putting it off, but finally I pulled out the deck, read the first part of the accompanying booklet, and did a reading. I found that in my past, I got the Turtle, symbolizing Mother Earth. In this case, the card was telling me that I had entered into a new chapter of my life, that there was a great change, and that my spiritual journey was being taken to a new level. This was quite true, as I was immediately taken back to that awful night of August 27, 2009, when I discovered one of my best friends' bodies after he had shot himself. I realized upon seeing that card that I really was in a new phase of life, that the pain of seeing his decomposing body had changed who I am and how I viewed the world. I really had entered into a new level of existence after that time.
The present card was the Dog, card of loyalty. I understood this card well also, as at that particular time I was helping a good friend of mine get on his feet and gain some job training that will help him earn more money. I was happy to do this for him because I think I might be in love with him, but that is a different story altogether. But the Dog card reminded me not only of the loyalty I am happy to give to my friends and family, but also of the great loyalty that they have shown me. When Mike killed himself, I was amazed and humbled by the extent to which my friends and I were able to hold each other up and be each others' rock of support.
The future card was the Raven, card of Magick. This card symbolizes the ability to bring the best out of oneself and make things happen in the world, much like the Magician card in the Tarot deck. I believe that this card meant that all the effort I had put forth in my life would start to pay off in time. As I write this, it is still September, as sometimes I write ahead on my blog posts. I hope that I can eventually see that the struggle of life lessens, but I doubt it will. It seems to me that life is often a lot like school in that once we master one lesson, we are immediately presented with another more challenging lesson, so we can never simply rest on our laurels. The fact that the Raven card came up tells me that perhaps in addition to the challenging lessons there will finally be some reward that comes from all this struggle.
For those of you that have never used Oracle cards, you might consider buying a deck. You can find them at most non-Christian bookstores or you can order them online if you prefer to do that instead. I don't believe that Oracle cards require any particular talent in the arts of divination, so it is possible that everyone can benefit from them. I hope you'll take the opportunity to try them. There are lots of different decks, and if animals are not your thing, you can try angels, faires, gods and goddesses, etc.
A Sense of Pride Versus a Sense of Superiority
By Andy Heath
If we feel superior, then we feel proud… or wait, is that really the case? Let's break this down.
Superiority
When segregation was legal in the United States, whites felt a sense of superiority over blacks. They believed they were somehow better, and they were seduced into these thought processes. You see, people like feeling that they're better than others. It gives them a little rush, kinda like a drug.
On the other hand, blacks inherently felt they were inferior. A sense of inferiority has the opposite effect of superiority. It makes you feel a little pain. But white people were okay with black people feeling pain so white people could feel that little "Ooooh, I'm so much better," feeling. Besides, since they believed they really were better, they felt they had the right to make black people feel that pain.
Even today, we have people that feel they're a little better. Office employees feel they're a little better than factory employees. Managers feel they're a little better than the help. Straight people feel a little better than gay people. And yes, white people still feel like they're a little better than the blacks.
All this drama, all this hatred, all this pain and suffering, and violence and murder, over that little seemingly drug induced euphoria we get from feeling better. Yes, we'll murder people for that little feeling. It's just that powerful. And it's sad, because like illegal drugs are destructive to our bodies, feelings of superiority are destructive to our spirit.
Pride
Pride, on the other hand, is a feeling of self esteem – I'm not talking about pride like one of the seven deadly sins. I'm talking about a genuine, healthy sense of esteem that comes from being who we are as people. Blacks can feel pride in their shared heritage. So can gays. Whites as a group cannot, but if they identify as Irish or French, or whatever, then a sense of pride is healthy.
There is nothing wrong with lumping yourself into a few categories and feeling pride over them. I'm not crazy about assigning labels to myself, but that said, I am a cancer, I am gay, I practice divination, I have written a book, I am reasonably intelligent, etc. All these things give me a sense of pride, but I fight every day the desire to feel superior.
Yes, I fight it. I am human, and humans crave power. We crave feelings of superiority. I admit that I have to fight feeling better than Baptists that don't know the first thing about reading a Tarot spread. Or feeling better than Capricorns who are such workaholics while I have a nurturing, loving, and moody nature. Or feeling better than people that are not as intelligent as I am. I have to fight it because it is so powerful. I have prayed to whatever gods would listen before to take this from me, but I think the desire for superiority is something that we human beings simply must struggle with. Struggle being the operative word. We MUST struggle with it. This is something we MUST do. We cannot allow the desire to be better to overtake us anymore than we can allow a heroine addiction to overtake us.
None of us is better than anyone else. Yes, we all have things that we can be proud of. These aspects of ourselves make up our egos and give us a sense of identity. The fact that I am a gay cancer that has written a book is part of the reason that I'm me and not you. That doesn't make me better. It just makes me different and it makes me happy to know that you and I are different. We should be. We need all the variety we can get.
The nice thing about pride is that we can use it to replace feelings of superiority. Whenever we run across ourselves feeling better, we can say, "This or that makes me different, but not better. I can take pride in myself without feeling superior."
