What I Learned from Betrayal
By Andy Heath
When friends betray us, it hurts. Betrayal is wrong. It's as simple as that. A few months ago, a friend of mine betrayed me by refusing to talk to me anymore and by sending me a text message telling me we were no longer friends. This has been a major struggle on my part, but I'm starting to heal from this experience.
Regardless, here are some things that I learned through the struggle with his betrayal.
It's Not My Fault
I really thought it was. I thought perhaps because I had offended this person that I somehow deserved his betrayal. I thought maybe I deserved the pain. The fact is that betrayal is what it is. Had he behaved with a shred of integrity, he would have brought his grievances to me to resolve, rather than walking away.
I did not invite his betrayal. He gave it to me. That was his choice, not mine.
If you have been betrayed in the past, it's not your fault either. You may think it is, but it's simply not. When people betray you, one of the first things that will lead to your healing is your realization that it's simply not your fault.
When venting to friends about this person's betrayal of me, sometimes they would try to figure out something that I did wrong. And while I might have done something wrong to make him angry, I do not believe my own imperfections invite betrayal. Neither do yours. It's NOT your fault.
He Was Wrong
Yes, he was wrong. It is not right to betray people, even if you get mad at them. Even if they offend you, betrayal is wrong. Betrayal is cruel. It took me a while to realize that it was not I that did something wrong; it was him. He made a mistake. He erred in his betrayal of me. He mishandled himself and this situation.
Likewise, when someone has betrayed you, it's okay to accept that the other person is wrong. That's not to say that you and I never have any part in any of our problems, but it is to say that sometimes people are just unquestionably wrong. Betrayal is one of those black and white instances where it is simply unquestionable wrong. There is no doubt that if someone betrayed you, it was the other person's fault. Betrayal is just wrong.
It's Okay that He and I Are Not Perfect
While this person certainly betrayed me and I certainly offended him, I accept the fact that neither of us is perfect. Yes, sometimes I offend people, and unfortunately, sometimes he betrays people. We are both human beings with thoughts, fears, and yes, imperfections. That's okay.
Likewise, neither you nor the people that have betrayed you in the past are perfect. Even though it's okay to accept that the other person was wrong and that it's not your fault, we must learn and accept and embrace that no one is perfect. Just as you and I were betrayed in this instance, perhaps in another instance we betrayed others. We must forgive ourselves and the people that betrayed us if we are to heal.
It's Not Just Me
I have learned that often when people do something to slight us, they do it more than once. Although I have no way of proving it one way or the other, I would say that the person that betrayed me has betrayed people before. Just as I struggle with sensitivity, he struggles with being cruel to others. I don't have to consider his imperfections to be a personal failure on my part.
Others' imperfections are not your struggle either. You can respond to others' imperfections, but you don't have to own them. You're a powerful person, and you don't need others to be perfect. You really don't. And if someone has betrayed you, it's not a reflection on you; it's a reflection on the person that betrayed you. You really do deserve better, and the person that betrayed you has likely done it before.
I'm Not Weak or Pathetic for Being Upset
"You're giving your power over to him," my well meaning friends would say. Not so. It's perfectly natural to be upset when someone betrays us. It can take a long time to heal, but we always do, and we often come out stronger and better people because of it. Any theory that I am somehow pathetic for being angry or hurt with someone who mistreated me is just wrong.
When someone mistreats you, it's okay for you to be upset as well. You're not a bad person for being hurt or for giving a great deal of thought to your pain for a while. It does pass in time. Even if the person that betrayed you seems to go on his or her merry way and not give the slightest thought to what they did, it's not bad for you to be upset.
He Is Not a Bad Person
Now come the hard lessons. This is perhaps the hardest lesson of all. It is easy for me to say what a pathetic, worthless human being this person surely must be for having betrayed me, I must realize that he is not a bad person. He just made a mistake like I do sometimes. Yes, he was wrong. No, it was not my fault. But he is simply not a bad person. He just made a bad decision.
When people betray you, it will be hard for you to come to the realization that they are not bad people. They just made bad decisions. But I think we must accept that human beings will often disappoint each other. This does not make them bad people. Can you accept that the person that betrayed you is not a bad person?
People Can Still Be Trusted Sometimes
It's easy for me, having been betrayed, to give up on people, but I have learned over the years that interaction with others, no matter how painful, is the only game in town. We cannot live happy, fulfilling lives if we do not trust others.
When you have dealt with betrayal in the past, you might very easily decide you've had enough hurt and simply want to withdraw from people. I understand that feeling, as I have been betrayed a number of times in the past. But withdrawal from others is simply not in your best interest. There really are people out there that will take care of your heart and not hurt you. Seek out the ones that you can trust.
I Can Forgive This Person for His Betrayal
The fact that I can forgive him for the hurt he has caused me is not to say that what he did was okay; it is rather to say that I don't have to carry it with me anymore. I can let it go, and am slowly doing so. This is not a gift I give to him, but rather a gift I give to myself. It means I leave a free life of happiness.
Can you forgive the person that betrayed you? Can you let that person go and wish them well? I hope you can because forgiveness is the greatest, most powerful emotion we can feel, perhaps second only to love. I can think of this person and hope he is well and wish him success and happiness. It is a struggle, but I can do it and am moving in that direction. Can you do the same with someone that has betrayed you?
Conclusion
Betrayal is a very difficult human experience. You are not alone in experiencing betrayal and quite simply, you are not alone. We all have a connection to God, Source, or whatever we want to call it.
If you have a story of betrayal, I would love to hear about it. Please contact me at this form and tell me about it.
I wish you all the success and healing the Great Creator wants for you!
