Why to Expect Nothing When You Go on a Gay Date
By Andy Heath
I have been on a LOT of dates in my life. I can remember going on dates with guys that seem to go well and that we really seem to hit it off. It also seems on these occasions that we have a mutual attraction and that we have some things in common. And then after the date is over, I go home thinking about what a good time I had. And then… he doesn't call ever again. Nor does he take my calls. Nor does he return my calls. Nor does he respond to my emails. He disappears. He freaks out for whatever reason (take your pick) and we never talk again.
Have you ever had an experience like that. I don't know much about straight dating, but I think what I described in the first paragraph is a common experience for gay men. And not only have we had it done to us, we might (if we're being honest) have to admit that we have also done it to others.
After dating experiences like this, I generally go through a period of anger. I get angry at the guy because I often feel like he liked to me, and I get angry at the world for not being logical. Sometimes I even get angry at myself for whatever mistake I must have surely made to have him not call back. Then eventually and mercifully reality comes back to me and I realize that I didn't do anything wrong and that he may not even be a total jerk.
A friend of mine who is a gay preacher once told me that he felt that all gay men are damaged simply because we grow up in a straight world. I think there is at least some element of truth to that statement. I think gay men are so used to being hurt and put off that they do so to others just to survive emotionally. I also feel that gay men have had numerous experiences of growing close to someone only to have that person turn on him once he comes out. So for that reason, I feel that gays and lesbians sometimes have trust issues. We really are damaged and hurt a lot of times.
These days on the rare occasion that I go on a date with someone, I try to have a reality check in my mind before I even meet the person for the first time. I go in with the attitude that this date might very well be the only time that I ever see this person and that I will do my best to learn something from him during that one meeting. If we talk again, that is a bonus, not a requirement. If we don't talk again, then I am grateful for the meeting that we had and try with all my heart to wish him well in his quest for happiness.
I believe it was _Conversations with God_ by Neal Donald Walsh that discussed the insidious nature of expectations. They can ruin us, in a gay dating they have often ruined me. In fact, I have had many bad days simply because I expected something that didn't come to pass. Therefore, when we go on dates with others, it is far better to accept what is than to expect what might or might not be.
